At least I tried

Today I attended a Dell Christmas luch seminar thingy. I had decided to go despite how I feel lately, trying to do things that I dont normally do that are positive for the situation. Already leaving the house I knew I was probably wrong to do so today.
My friend that I was going with arrived much belated and most of the time at the seminar I worked harder not having an anxiety attack, rather than paying attention to what was said and done at the seminar.

How does it feel to be ravaged by anxiety? Its quite difficult to explain and to talk about. Mostly because if you havent experienced it, its very difficult to imagine what it feels like.

Sometimes, like today, I feel like vomiting all the time. This reaction is not due to something I have eaten, but that my body translate the emotional pain into physical pain. I completely loose the feeling of hunger as a result to this. My chest hurts due to constant lack of fresh air, I focus so hard on staying composed that I forget the breathing part or breathe only very, very shallow intakes of breath. I have to fight against tears, even when there is no logical reason to why I should want to or need to cry.

Very often I get cramp like feelings in my whole body – especially the torso region and my hands. My hands start shaking and my belly cramps. I have problems standing up straight and I need to hold my hands folded in front of my stomach to “protect” myself.  These are some of the physical reactions, they are there to signify that my body does not handle emotional pain and insecurity well.
I feel very alone, despite being surrounded by people. I feel degraded to someone that is not there and I feel a lock inside me hindering me from reaching out.

As the seminar ended and we prepared to go to lunch, finally my friend showed up and I felt a huge relief. I would have left there and then if she would have not shown when she did. Lunch was very good. Traditional christmas dinner :D Nice

My last post on the program was an interview at another recruiting company. I have also been represented by them before, so it was just to pick up the thread and show them that I am available and searching for jobs. However, in my current state of mind, I felt more like huddeling up and hide than presenting myself in a good way, which is exactly why I am even more proud over that I went with the latter.

However, I have had my share of too much today and when I finally reached home – it was abouth high time to take care of myself for a while…

I feel so broken lately. I dont know how to explain it. Im just sad and its just too much coming at me at the same time…


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